The Local News

This was written back on November 25, 2011.

I apologize for the sloppiness.


So.

What's next, you ask?

This...

This is next.

It's always true.

If you are still electric and flowing, this (or that) always comes next.

Observe, god damn it...

Detach!

Regulate, god damn it!

Enjoy...

How are you doing today?

Well....

Well.

(Deep, man...deep)

Merry Christmas!

Go fuck yourself!

Dear Reader,

My recent television viewing has increased dramatically in the last year or so....
Post-divorce, I went years with only sporadic trips into the great mystery called television......
(mostly Green bay Packer games, I might add). 

After about four years of avoidance, I finally caved in and installed a digital antenna last fall.

Why? 

Two words: LOCAL NEWS.

As another Milwaukee winter approached, I wanted to receive up-to-the-minute winter-weather updates. 

Not only did I feel like I deserved such vital information,
I felt like I deserved to be thoroughly entertained in the process....(sorry internets). 

Growing up, I watched the local news religiously...Mostly the NBC affiliate, Channel 4....

Melody Wilson

Mike Gousha

Mike Jacobs at six

Paul Joseph

Jim Ott

Kevin Hunt sports

(Word to the wise....never name your child Michael Hunt....It will inevitably turn into Mike Hunt...

That just sounds bad.)

Where were we?

That's right....LOCAL NEWS.

You need to know something about me, dear reader....As my world-view evolved throughout my 20's, I grew to HATE the LOCAL NEWS, and I blamed it for causing unnecessary anxiety and worry in my life (A.K.A. "the mean world syndrome"). 

I rarely tuned in, and when i did,  i mocked it endlessly. 

For me,
Milwaukee + LOCAL NEWS =
I need to move the fuck away from here before another winter hits; before i lose my fucking mind (again)...

So there i was last fall, staring down the barrel of another Milwaukee winter.
Tuning into Milwaukee's LOCAL NEWS, trying to avoid any and all negative value judgements....
I have to say, once i detached, watching the LOCAL NEWS felt like sort of a homecoming.

It's so beautiful, isn't it?...
Its absurd repetition comforting to me.

Ingesting brain-altering substances will impair rational thinking.
Intense emotions sometimes lead to violent outcomes.
Sometimes, someone from the community does something good/worthy of recognition.
The weather (past, present and future) is analyzed.
Competitions included winners, losers, and the spirit of it all.

And then it snows,
like it does every year when angle of the sun changes.

"If it bleeds, it leads" is replaced with "storm team coverage."

Random people talking about the weather...
At gas stations,
on freeway overpasses,
and outside their house while shoveling.

In newsrooms and live on camera,
people are getting paid to talk about the weather.

Twenty-eight years old...
A professional television news reporter's first winter in Milwaukee...
"With all due respect to Omaha, it's a step up from Omaha."
Still young enough for those New York, prime time dreams....
And he feels like standing above I-43 in the middle of the storm is beneath him...
The technical director back at the station laughs at him when the blowing snow pelts his pretty face, and the producer laughs too, because they both know the guy's an asshole, and he'll never make the primetime anchor desk, unless it's back in Omaha, of course...(chuckle chuckle)

For those of you who don't know me, i need to get one thing straight here.

I, dear reader, am not an asshole.

At times i used to be, but i blame that on the stupidity of youth more than anything.

Have you ever wished for another person's failure?

i know i do....

Every Sunday during the football season....
(Jay Cutler especially)...
That doesn't make me an asshole, though

I'll be honest, here.

I love all human beings....
i have a genuine hope that everyone achieves true happiness and peace in their life....
Not just every once in a while....
Not just on the weekends.....
On a daily basis.
Not just around family and friends....
Everywhere....
Every hour, if at all possible....

Find it within.

Eliminate your suffering....


within

every moment.









or as many as possible....




(without exploiting/destroying, as much as possible)





On a side note, I want to argue for the tenets of "Compassionate Capitalism,"
a concept i coined on a notecard some nine years ago.







"Socialist!"




Not me, folks....I'm from Milwaukee...

(Ha. Ha. Ha.)

(i've said this before)





Keep reading....Scroll down.




























I'll be honest....After about six months of watching the local news,
i was sick of it again.......

comforting?....
yes....

stimulating?....
hardly.

(hard news, soft news, weather, and sports)....

same shit, different day if you're depressed,
which i was when i was falling asleep to Jay Leno's monologue last spring....

Maybe i wasn't depressed....Exhausted is the better word....I, much like the talent on the LOCAL NEWS, talk for a living....But I hate talking....Total introvert over here...Talking wears me out...(more on this later).

Falling asleep to The Tonight Show DID get me wondering, though....Does Leno write his own stuff?

Or is he just really good at reading from a TelePrompTer?

I hope for your success, even if you're an asshole at times.
I hope you have the courage and ability to overcome your suffering. 
Even you, Jay Cutler.
Even you, Jay Leno.


Keep going...

























Now that i have cable television, i watch ESPN....Leno and the nightly news are dead to me now.

Yes, i am a more evolved creature because of this.  

I insulate my consciousness from the ills of the world before i go to sleep...

Don't get me wrong....I still read the paper....I'm aware of the distinct possibility that Mitt Romney could be America's next president....Mostly, though, i don't want my consciousness cluttered with negative imagery after sundown....

When it comes down to it, sports is guaranteed to offer me an innocent retreat, full of intrigue and spirit.  It's an unpredictable, passionate theater of escape, filled with enough multi-layered subtexts to keep grown men talking to each other (like girls talk) for hours/years/lifetimes....


With sports, anxiety and worry are washed away...
I forget that i'm approaching 40.
i forget that i'm on a slow and steady march towards death.
The world's (and my own) problems put on hold until tomorrow....

In the world of sports, there are few murders and zero co-sleeping deaths...
Only legends die on ESPN, with a wink and a nod to their younger days,
when they operated at their peak....

Politics and religion?

They rarely enter the conversation on ESPN....
I only recently discovered that Ryan Braun is Jewish....
"The Hebrew Hammer" as i come to find out....

Money?

I'll bet you a hundred dollars that Aaron Rogers doesn't think about money on Sundays.

My positions is, despite the influence of big money in professional sports, the actual games remain pure; full of blood and sweat, spirit and heart...

Another plus?

We have no idea what will come next in the sports world....
Vegas doesn't post odds on the weather. 

You can predict a few homicides in Milwaukee on Memorial Day weekend....
Especially if it's a hot one...



How sad!
How depressing!









To recap:


Vegas doesn't post odds on the weather.





I  Enjoy escaping into specific television programs,
especially sports at night,
anything involving the Green Bay Packers,
and storm team coverage of major snow storms....


i may or may not have been depressed last spring.

i love all humans.

i coined the term, "Compassionate Capitalism," and will sue your ass off if you, in any way, profit from its usage.

i get paid to talk, but....more on this later,
when time and energy are on my side.











Breaking News:  Writing like this makes my back hurt.


Good night...

The Only Place in California Where it Felt Like Christmas

This was originally published on December 30, 2011.

The Only Place in California Where it Felt Like Christmas

Alternate Title #1:  

The Desert Eats Pieces of Shit Like Vegas for Breakfast 

12/25/11: 

@The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

3rd Street Promenade; Santa Monica

No marine layer when i arrived here on Christmas Eve.  

Highs in the 70’s....

The sun felt great, 

but life in the shade seemed at least 15 degrees cooler....

Swear to god, on the entire flight from Milwaukee to Los Angeles, 

not a cloud in the sky....

Not one!....

(A Christmas miracle!)

After departing Billy Mitchell, I traced I-94 West to Madison from my window seat...

We blew past the isthmus in about 15 minutes.

Beautiful.

I also noticed a clearly defined snow line....

The ground north of I-94 reflecting a hazy shade of white....

The ground south holding on to its drab, winter-brown/green.

The lack of snow in Milwaukee this year is fine by me....

To hell with a white Christmas!

(You see, excessive snow in December makes for a VERY LONG winter.)

The rest of the flight went by quickly, despite some minor adversity.

Yes, there was a three-year-old constantly kicking my seat from behind.  

Yes, the three-year-old had a one-year-old brother....

Yes, they were crying at the same time for the last hour of the flight.

No, this didn’t bother me...

The woman sitting in front of me with noticeable dandruff flakes?

Now THAT bothered me for some reason........

What a shame.

As long as those weren’t MY babies crying....

“You know what i’m saying?”

(You know what i’m saying.)

Do I have to change their diapers?....Nope.

Am i responsible for cooling their jets?....Nope.

As a public school teacher, 

my tolerance level for anything a child does on an airplane is very high.

Cry away, child....Kick that seat....

Ain’t gonna bother me, because i’m on vacation.

The $13.00 charge for the internet?

That bothered me the most....

What a farce!

My Netflix movie (PJ 20) cut out every ten minutes, 

forcing a reload...

(With a SUPER SLOW connection, each reload took another ten minutes.)

Once i accepted the rules of engagement, 

I adjusted my attitude toward the whole thing....

The reloads gave me a fine excuse to gaze out the window.

I waited patiently for the Rockies to pop up, seemingly out of nowhere.

I soaked in the color contrast of the winter-bleached canyons...

Snow dusting over the burnt reds and oranges

with abstract dashes of grey and white.....

(words do me no justice here.)

I marveled at the enormity of Las Vegas at first, 

but then marveled at how quickly the desert swallows Vegas whole.

The desert eats pieces of shit like Vegas for breakfast.

I also scanned the airspace around Vegas....

i expected to see dozens of other airplanes approaching and departing, 

but i only witnessed one.

I did notice two separate planes cross our flightpath earlier on the journey.

They always catch my eye, and grab my attention...

I get a kick out of seeing the dirty exhaust trails (like giant, flying busses), 

and a frame of reference for how fast we’re traveling.

I also think about both sets of pilots, 

reading the newspaper 

and eating a bagel at the same time....

(Everyone’s traveling 400 miles per hour on autopilot...)

Alternate Title #2:

Everyone’s Traveling 400 miles per hour on Autopilot

And then there’s the gradual descent into Southern California.....

Desert, mountains, and then sprawl!

Its endless expanses beautiful to me.........

12 million souls in the greater Los Angeles area alone....

22 million in the entire Southern California megaregion.

When i fly over its vastness, 

i am awestruck at how well these city machines operate... 

(relatively speaking.....)

When you take into consideration the actual number of inhabitants, 

it’s a minor miracle that more shit doesn’t go wrong on a daily basis.

The vast, vast majority of people here enjoy consistent, safe shelter, 

easy access to food/

water/ 

electricity,

and the luxury of modern indoor plumbing units.

There are very few major malfunctions/

car accidents/

crimes.....

Very few earthquakes....

The vast majority of people travel through their daily lives unscathed....

Millions of basic needs satisfied.

Daily.

Most of the 22 million people here follow the laws, 

stop at red lights, 

and yield appropriately in a gorgeous, well-choreographed dance.

I then think about what would happen if they were blessed 

with three to four inches of snow....

( a routine Wisconsin snowfall).

(Ha. Ha. Ha.)

Good luck.

From a few thousand feet i notice more.........

The passing rows of a thousand neighborhoods, 

a myriad of houses neatly packed into symmetrical street grids, 

with scatterings of commercial real-estate and freeway pipelines,

golf courses and cemeteries, 

parking lots and football fields.

This repeats for about 20 minutes before we land.

Milwaukee’s street grids last for about five minutes as you fly in or out of the city.....

You can clearly see where the city sprawl ends (especially at night), 

and where the farmland begins.

Not here....

You can clearly see the mountains, and where the ocean begins.

Everything else is wrapped in the smoggy blur of a seemingly endless metropolis.

Wheels touch down.......

Reverse thrust.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

My entire family is vacationing out here this Christmas....

My younger brother and his wife just delivered their first baby...

Laguna Niguel will be the sight of the Baptism.

After initially checking in with the family back at the Cal Mar Hotel, 

I decided to walk three blocks west to the Pacific Ocean to catch the sunset.

I scored a park bench on a bluff overlooking Santa Monica’s massive beach....

I noticed three different groups of people playing volleyball, 

and hundreds of folks running, 

walking, 

skateboarding, 

and riding their bicycles.

To my right, the hills of Malibu, 

and to my left, a smog layer developing above Santa Monica’s spinning ferris wheel.

This is what Christmas Eve looks like in California....

Tis’ the season to do whatever you would normally do on a beautiful, sun drenched day.

This certainly didn’t look like Christmas, or feel like Christmas to me.

You see, i was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin....

Nobody is riding their fucking bike for pleasure, 

or setting up an outdoor volleyball match on Christmas Eve.....

In Wisconsin, we bunker down.....

We gather inside to watch the Green Bay Packers....

We gather inside to eat, drink, and be merry....

I enjoyed watching the sun set over the Pacific....

Very colorful/peaceful.

I took about two dozen pictures, 

and walked back to the hotel to be with my family; 

the only place in California where it felt like Christmas.

Alternate Title # 3

Christmas in California 2011: Best Christmas Ever!

Dedicated to every member of my family, with gratitude and love....